Tree-Hugging Dirt Worship

February 4, 2012

I don’t think the missionary is coming back.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , , — paragardener @ 5:38 pm

A missionary popped up on my front porch, totally obvious in his black trenchcoat and hat. I didn’t feel the need to be saved at that moment, so I considered hiding in my house, but that seemed wimpy. I thought about giving him a rude, angry sendoff: “take your God and shove it!”

There was only one civil thing to do: I stepped outside to talk to him. “Can I help you?”

He showed me a Bible verse, something from James that referred to Abraham as Jehovah’s only friend. “Wouldn’t you like to be Jehovah’s friend?”

Uncomfortable silence. “Well, isn’t it good to have a friend?” he persisted.

“Um… that depends on who your friend is.”

I explained, as gently as I could, that I did not want to be friends with a god who ordered his people repeatedly to commit genocide, and I especially don’t like that incident in Numbers where Jehovah orders the Isrealites to steal all the virgins from a city they’ve leveled. That’s icky, and this guy’s teenage daughter was following him around, looking sullen, so that made it way more uncomfortable to talk about marriage-against-her-will. “Look,” I told him, “this fighting for God is still going on. These days it could be over the name of God — Jehovah versus Allah. I don’t want to have anything to do with it.”

He told me that people who still fight over God are falsely claiming to be his followers,’cause they’re not really doing what God laid out for them. I told him that I could at least accept that they were hypocrites, ’cause in fairness the Bible does promote peace and love in many places.

He asked, “what would you do if your neighbors were keeping a child in their house, abusing them?”

I mulled it over. Having your parents arrested and being sent to foster care isn’t always better than the nasty situation a kid is already in. “Well, in some circumstances I would have to call the cops.”

“Well you see, the people in these cities that were destroyed were doing bad things, like sacrificing their own children. God had to have his people take action against them.”

It came out that he had an article all about the topic, but it wasn’t on his person. I told him that he should come back and stick it through the bars on my security door. We talked about the Bible for another minute, and then he cocked his head like a confused dog, said his goodbyes, and walked on down the block. Had he heard the voice of Jehovah?

Now I’ve been thinking about our conversation, and I want to know: 1) isn’t killing everybody in the city worse than the occasional child sacrifice? We’re talking about soldiers murdering babies with hand-to-hand weapons en masse… 2) isn’t Abraham Jehovah’s friend precisely because he was willing to sacrifice his own son?

That was almost three weeks ago. I don’t think the missionary is coming back.

Come on, man, I didn’t get to tell you about my Gaia, or even display the shrunken heads of all the missionaries who visited previously!



  1. Your last sentence–LOL.

    As I’ve said, these people seem not to realize that we nonbelievers (nonbelievers in the Xian god, anyway) have thought all this through. It’s not like we have never in our lives been confronted with the god question. Most of us probably know a lot more about their religion and their bible than they do.

    When it comes to biblical atrocities, there are so many to choose from! i always thought the one about Lot giving his virgin daughters to the angry men of Sodom, to do with as they pleased, so that they wouldn’t abuse his guests ranked right up there. Well, what’s a little rape? In the bible, it doesn’t really count for much.

    I’m astounded that in 2012 people are still taking the legends of bronze age sheepherders as literal truth.

    Also, I wish the proselytizers would just STOP! They annoy me. I’m not as polite as you any more. I used to be more polite but honestly, they really irritate me. Last time a couple of women came around with their bible, they used the hellfire thing–unbelievable. One can’t help but think of the George Carlin routine that ends “but he loves you!”

    Comment by estraven — February 5, 2012 @ 10:28 am

  2. Here’s a version of the Carlin bit:

    Comment by paragardener — February 5, 2012 @ 3:15 pm

  3. I finally had to say to this very kind Jehovah’s witness: “Look, I understand that you need to do this as part of your faith. But you’re not going to have any success with me and for your own sake, you should spend this time at someone else’s house.” I said I came from a “very scientific family” and the guy who was with her asked about morality and I said, “It’s possible to have a moral system and not be Christian.” And they both nodded like they hadn’t meant to offend me, and she never did come back (she had come 4 or 5 times, it was like I was on their “maybe” list).

    So now that’s my tactic. “Hey, I understand you’re here because it’s part of your faith… so, you really should go elsewhere.” Seems to work.

    Comment by freelearner — February 7, 2012 @ 10:57 pm

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

Create a free website or blog at