Tree-Hugging Dirt Worship

September 18, 2011

Alien Invaders

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , , , — paragardener @ 6:40 pm

One random day, a swirly green wormhole opened in the vicinity of Earth’s moon. Hundreds of shining metal spacecraft popped out of the hole and took up wide orbits of Earth. They were of all sizes, from tiny robotic drones to Manhattan on rockets. The military and astronomy communities went on high alert and followed the action with their instruments and global networks, but many ordinary people were startled at the appearance of new constellations in the sky — and especially that weird green star up there.

After we watched each other for a few days, the aliens gave a T.V. and radio address to the people of Earth. A mass of green tentacles with one big eye in the middle looked straight into the camera. It spoke, and the tentacles wriggled. “Hail, Earthlings. We are a diverse group of civilized entities, traveling the stars and representing the Galactic League. We are a peaceful band, coming to you in peace with wishes of brotherhood. It is our intention to open trade with your planet, so that you can reap the massive social and technological benefits of membership in the League.”

Many said that the aliens had no good in mind for us, while others said that we would finally know world peace. The aliens’ plan came down to this: they wanted the genomes of all of Earth’s creatures, from viruses and goo to plants and animals. They would sell us superior alien genome sequencers for Galactic Credits. We could get Galactic Credits by borrowing them, or by selling genomes. So anyone could take out a loan, buy a sequencer, take some samples, and turn a tidy profit in credits by selling genomic data back to the guys in orbit.

People rushed onto to get started: once you had some Galactic Credits, everything would be gravy and flying cars. The alien technology fulfilled a science fiction wishlist: antigravity, free energy, teleportation and tourism on far-off worlds. A few people worried about the amount we were borrowing from the League. They said that our growing debt to the League was dangerous, that we would inevitably pay for it later. Most people were reassured that as Earth’s debt in credits grew, the number of credits circulating on Earth was growing as well.

Then, one seemingly random day, the ships in the sky began winking out. On the same day, the alien gene buyers started writing rejection letters. Billions of people found that they, or their corporations, were sitting on genomes they couldn’t sell. The tentacle-eye came out on television a week later, to explain: “People of Earth, we have enjoyed this time of trade and mutual enrichment. Unfortunately, we now possess genome maps to almost all of Earth’s creatures. We hope that you can now turn your economy to something more marketable, such as flying car production. Thank you, and goodnight.”

No one had much to sell for Galactic Credits, once Earth’s genetics had been completely shared. A lot of people and a lot of companies owed credits to the aliens, though. Shadowy, spidery repo men landed in flying saucers and space planes and handed out letters in the middle of the night. You could avoid repossession, if you submitted to the League’s Responsibility Policy.

People still got up and went to work. Nowadays, though, the boss was following orders from the Galactic League — those damned Responsibility Policies. Everyone worked harder to get less. The oceans and lands were ruined by giant metal tubeworms we installed in the crust of the Earth, to extract rare elements to trade for a few more credits (allowing, let’s say, General Electric or Cuba to make interest payments for a few more months). The sky assumed a permanent overcast.


Will the people of Earth default and demand debt forgiveness? Or will the Earth be broken down into its component elements?

Our history of dealing with globalist banks and other corporations suggests that we won’t wake up until we’re as depleted as Somalia, and we have to seize some spaceships and go pirate on the wormhole traffic just to feed ourselves. (That would make a bad-ass movie.)

Good luck, Earth!


1 Comment »

  1. Good analogy, E.

    Earthlings should look to Iceland’s example… fuck the banks. And soon, we should look to the Greeks. The Greek upper middle class participates in protests against the IMF- and ECB-imposed austerity bullshit. Which suggests revolution isn’t far off. The prevalence of Molotov cocktails in Athens also suggests the revolution isn’t far off. Go Greece! And viva GIABO — the Global Insurrection Against Banker Occupation!

    Comment by freelearner — September 19, 2011 @ 2:39 am

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